Jul 10, 2008

Dear Grandpa,

There is so much to say, to explain some of which I'm not ready to yet have to see what comes out of all my thoughts.
First....I love you and I miss you. Had I known I would have been there one way or another. I have no idea if you are aware of what took place 17 years ago or not. If I had to take a guess I would dare say you don't or you only know half the story. The story told to you by him if he was even man enough to say anything. And I doubt he would have allowed Aunt C to say anything. Uncle M hurt me in ways no one should be hurt. When I finally was able to tell someone they all turned on me. Blamed me. Called me a liar. It took me years to figure out that I was not the one to blame but him. I regret going to their house that summer 17 years ago. I should have stayed home or gone to your place. I regret to this day going there. At last this is not why I am writing to you.
It's been 10 years since our last visit. I tried to put the past behind me when I came to stay with you and them. Was told I would be safe. Yet I found myself with the past staring at me in the face and doing harm again. Again when I spoke up and seeked help I was turned on again. Never to see you again. Forever He would stand in my way of seeing you. I should have come to you instead but I knew your health was not that good being you just came home from the hospital. I didn't want to stress you out. I will forever wonder what if....yet what if's don't change anything or give you second chances. Yet this is why you would never see me again. I didn't trust him. I could not bring myself there with him there.....not even with my husband could I bring myself to visit you.
He is also the reason why I was not notified and not there. I have to find a way to get passed my fears of him and to stop allowing him to control who I see. For it could end up being too late again sometime down the road and I don't want to go through it again.
My memories of you are happy memories which will always be in my heart. You taught me all I know about horses. Though there is one lesson I will complete....braiding the tail. You would spend countless summers teaching me how to do this one task for the buggy rides. Yet I could never get it right. And when we thought it was right it would fall out again with one swing of the tail. We would laugh and you would tell me I would get one day. And one day I will. You taught me how to ride and one day I shall teach my children and they will know that you, Grandpa was the man who taught me. I have a love for riding in my blood and each hour, day, week, month, year that passes that I have gone without riding has a feeling of missing something. That something is riding. And when I think of riding horses...I always think of you.

I love you Grandpa and I will forever hold you in my heart. I'm saying my good bye now as I know you are with Grandma now and you two have some catching up to do. This is the best way I could say my good byes to you as I was not there to do this in the proper way. I refuse to allow him to stand in my way.
Love Always,
Your granddaughter

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That is a beautiful letter and I am sure Grandpa got the message. I have faith that in heaven he sees you and understands the pain in your heart that prevented you from being there with him. I am so sorry for your childhood trauma. I know all too well just how hard that is to overcome. Someday, in your own time, you will be able to face your fear and see who you want, when you want. I will praying for your heart to find peace.